


Mac's Rules of Not Being Gay

by katestagram (katelusive)



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Blowjobs, Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M, general garbage, repressed sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 05:05:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5730508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katelusive/pseuds/katestagram
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mac sets the rules because, well, rules are important.  Even though he clearly doesn't need them.  Dennis breaks them because he can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mac's Rules of Not Being Gay

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Trash Island, where everything is garbage (but especially me). Please enjoy your stay and don't forget to claim your complimentary souvenir trash mug on the way out

1\. Thou Shalt Not Look Lustfully Upon Other Men

That one’s easy to remember, because it’s a commandment in the Bible. Or at least, Mac is pretty sure it is. He reminds himself all the time. Not that he has a problem with, you know, not looking lustfully upon other men, because he doesn’t. But it’s good to give yourself little reminders now and then.

Especially when your best friend is Dennis Reynolds, who sometimes from far away looks a little like a hot girl. Mac has accidentally looked lustfully upon him a few times, but he definitely always stopped right away when he realized. So it doesn’t really count. And that weird feeling in his stomach when Dennis takes off his shirt is just on account of his killer physique. As Dennis’s best friend, it’s important for Mac to keep a careful eye on his physique. It’s a full-time job, and he knows Dennis appreciates it.

2\. If You Have To Sleep Next To Your Male Friend, Always Go Back-To-Back

That’s another one that Mac has no trouble remembering. He and Dennis have been going back-to-back for years. Since high school. And they’ve actually gotten really good at it. Dennis says he hates sleeping in the same bed as Mac for a variety of reasons, but they always end up doing it anyway when they’re drunk or tired or when they can’t pay the gas bill and their heat gets turned off in the middle of winter.

And it’s never ended up being gay. Even those times that Mac wakes up with his dick throbbing and he has to stand in the shower for forty-five minutes staring at the ceiling and not jerking off until Dennis flushes the toilet on purpose and yells at him. Those aren’t gay because, and Mac has thought carefully about this, he was probably dreaming about sexy chicks. So the fact that he woke up with his hips jutted against Dennis’s ass and precum staining his boxers is completely understandable and fully coincidental. Not to mention 100% not gay.

3\. No Kissing Dudes

No matter how cut their physiques are. It doesn’t matter, and Mac knows that. Kissing dudes definitely breaks the rules of Not Being Gay. The only person who doesn’t seem to know that is Dennis. Although Mac has carefully and patiently gone over the Rules with him on multiple occasions, Dennis always finds loopholes. It’s gotten to the point where Mac’s pretty sure he sits around thinking of new ones in his spare time.

“It’s not gay if you’ve been drinking Jaeger,” Dennis said one night, after their twelfth or maybe twentieth shot (Mac lost track a long time ago). They’d wanted to make Jaeger bombs but, lacking more than half the ingredients, had settled for doing shots right out of the bottle.

“No way dude, I’m sure it’s still gay,” slurred Mac, holding onto Dennis for support. Dennis’s hand was fisted in the hem of his t-shirt, and Mac wanted to tell him to take it easy on the fabric, because it’s gonna rip and it’s Mac’s favorite shirt. But Dennis was insisting that it’s not gay to make out with a dude and that definitely took precedence. Mac needed to set him straight. It was his duty as Dennis’s best friend to make sure he understood the Rules.

“No it’s not,” said Dennis, “see?” and kissed him fast and sneaky, like he was proving a point. His lips tasted like licorice. He pulled back, triumphant, seemingly unaware of Mac’s thunderous heartbeat. Mac felt dizzy and heartsick and ridiculously, stupendously drunk. Dennis’s eyes loomed too close and too blue.  He was definitely 100% wrong.

“Okay, fine,” muttered Mac, clotheslining the part of himself that tried to surge up and kiss Dennis again, “whatever.”

4\. If You Must Make Out With Your Male Best Friend, Never Acknowledge It

That way, Mac figures, God doesn’t realize. If he and Dennis are sneaky enough – and they’re plenty sneaky, they never ever talk about it even when they’re completely alone – maybe it’s okay and Mac doesn’t have to bring it up in confession if he tacks a few extra sins on at the end that he didn’t really commit. That way it all evens out. That strikes Mac as both mathematical and theologically sound.

Besides, it’s only been a few times. There was the Jaeger time, of course, and that time that Dennis came home late after they’d been fighting and crowded Mac up against the refrigerator and kissed him so hard his mouth was bruised (“It’s not gay if I’m punishing you for trying to kick me out of my own apartment,” Dennis had growled, and sucked a mark into Mac’s neck like a vampire bat.)

Then there was the time when they got trapped in an elevator at a fancy hotel and Mac was like 96% sure they were about to die and so he pulled Dennis into a manly bro-hug that had become manly bro-kissing with Dennis’s hands wandering up under his shirt. And then they didn’t die after all, and later Dennis made some comment about Mac having mustard-breath all the time and Mac scowled and bought spearmint gum just in case he ever had to make out with Dennis again because they might be on the verge of untimely death.

But most of the time they don’t make out at all, so it’s easy to pretend.

5\. Definitely No Banging Dudes

The way Mac sees it, #5 is the main rule. The other rules are more “guidelines”, like the pirate code. But #5 is sacred and unbreakable. Banging a dude would be the gayest thing he could possibly do. Gayer than accidentally fantasizing about being manhandled by Chase Utley, gayer than catching a glimpse of Dennis showering with the door open and not looking away fast enough, gayer than when his body gets confused and makes him get a boner sometimes when Dennis calls him “babe”. Not that Dennis calls him “babe” all the time or anything, because that would be pretty gay in and of itself, it’s usually just when he’s trying to butter Mac up to do something unpleasant.

“See, here’s where you went wrong, babe,” Dennis is saying one night after the bar is closed, like he’s a science teacher and Mac is some dumbass remedial kid who’s been held back three times. His shirt’s half-unbuttoned and he’s running his fingers up and down the shaft of his beer bottle in a very distracting way. “Two dudes banging is actually the least gay of all. I mean, what’s more masculine than two dicks?”

Mac’s never thought about it that way. It still seems wrong. “I don’t know, Den,” he says. “It’s kind of, like, the definition of being gay. Right? Having sex with a dude?”

“No way man, that’s where you’re confused,” says Dennis, triumphant, like he’s finally gotten to the heart of the problem. “I mean, hypothetically, if you were to get down on your knees and blow me right now –“

Mac’s stomach jolts at the thought, and he quickly suppresses it. Dennis’s eyes are on his face, cool and unreadable, with just a hint of a smirk.

“—it wouldn’t be gay, because it would just be one bro doing his best friend a favor. Right?”

“That – that doesn’t seem scientific,” stutters Mac, and Dennis waves a hand dismissively.

“That’s because you failed science three years in a row. May I continue? Good. Now if I were to blow you, on the other hand – ” he pauses for an instant, taking in Mac’s reaction, and Mac scrambles to make his face as stoic as possible. Dennis keeps smirking anyway, like he’s a goddamn mind reader.

“If I were to blow you, Mac,” says Dennis, “it would be completely gay, because you want it too badly.”

“What?!” Mac yelps. “I don’t want—when did I ever– you can’t prove anything!“

“I don’t need to,” says Dennis, setting down his bottle on the bar and running his hand down Mac’s stomach, which flutters in a decidedly rule-breaking way. Mac staunchly straightens himself out. He’s not going to bang Dennis, or let Dennis bang him, or any possible permutation thereof. Unfortunately, his body doesn’t seem to have gotten the message. Even more unfortunately, this leads to Dennis’s fingers discovering his boner, fully erect and straining against the front of his jeans.

“That’s right,” says Dennis, sounding way too self-satisfied. “I knew you liked this. No sane person would make this many rules against something they don’t secretly want to do.”

“You’re wrong, man,” says Mac, but his body is still betraying him, thrusting gently into Dennis’s touch, and his voice is about four pitches too high. “I’m not gay, bro,” he adds, for extra clarity, and Dennis shushes him.

“I know, baby boy. I know you’re not. That’s because it’s not gay if we’re just – doing each other a favor. It’s just a courtesy between friends. Doesn’t break any of your rules. Understand?”

Mac doesn’t, not really, and he’s not sure Jesus will either. But Dennis’s hand feels so good against his dick, and Mac groans when he gives it a gentle squeeze.

“I’m being a really good friend, by the way,” says Dennis, “by explaining all this stuff to you. Don’t you want to be a good friend to me?”

“Yeah, for sure,” says Mac, because he does. He’s Dennis’s best friend. He would do anything for Dennis. Anything at all. “What do you want me to do?”

Dennis’s voice is low and husky, authoritative. He’s still got his hand on Mac’s dick through his jeans, and Mac knows in that instant that he would break Rule #5 if Dennis asked him to. His heart thuds in his throat.

“Get down on your knees, Mac.”

So Mac kneels on the dirty tiles and Dennis undoes his belt and fuck, he’s hard too, he’s been hard this whole time. He’s looking down at Mac like he needs him, really needs him, and Mac feels good about that. It’s not gay if it’s doing your friend a favor. Mac opens his mouth and Dennis slides his dick in.

Later, after Mac has brushed his teeth (well, okay, when he’s chewed a couple pieces of spearmint gum and rinsed his mouth out with water) and Dennis has his jeans buttoned up again and they’re lounging in a booth arguing about Terminator 2, Mac thinks that he actually didn’t break the Rules at all.

Sure, it would be easy to argue that giving a blowjob to a dude is gay, but nowhere does it specifically state in Mac’s Rules that he can’t give Dennis a BJ as a favor. Maybe it wasn’t even gay when Dennis grabbed his hair and pushed his dick so far down Mac’s throat that he’d started choking, and almost came in his pants.

And by this line of thinking, it definitely wasn’t gay that Mac jerked off in the bathroom afterwards, sweaty and manic, thinking about the sound Dennis had made while he listened to Mac choke on his dick. The way he grunted “You love it, bitch,” knowing full well Mac couldn’t respond with his mouth full of cock. It’s not gay if you’re just doing your friend a favor, Mac thinks for the millionth time, tracing the too-pink lines of Dennis’s mouth with his eyes.

“Stop eye-fucking me and listen,” snaps Dennis, but Mac can’t help it. It’s been a weird night.


End file.
